Survival of the Flashest
Tonight on "Survival Dudes:" Brody and Raider take on their darkest challenge yet.
Raider Steel is a military super soldier who has served in every war since Korea and recorded over 900 confirmed kills. He once lived inside the wall of a Colombian drug lord's house for three weeks before killing him just to prove he could. Brody Thunder is…well, he's not HOMELESS per se, he just sort of lives a different lifestyle. Like, he's not into wearing shoes and he eats out of dumpsters. Okay, so technically he IS homeless, but he's not like hanging around your office panhandling or anything; he lives out in the desert. That makes it okay. Together, they are: SURVIVAL DUDES.Tonight, the dudes face a new and challenging challenge. Dropped into a forest at night, they must navigate the darkening darkness quickly if they are to survive. Since obviously they could do this blindfolded if they really wanted to, we've given them only what an incredibly stupid hiker would bring along: two bags of peanut butter M&M's, a copy of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics, a woman's thong panty, size XL, and an ICON Link Carabiner Flashlight.
"Wow, okay first up in any survival situation is to take stock of what you have. We have some pretty useless equipment here, aside from the Carabiner Flashlight. Oh, and the camera crew fully supplied with food and water along with two or three stunt coordinators to make sure we don't actually hurt ourselves."
"This is Mother Nature, Raider. And you have to respect her. Are you gonna eat those M&M's?"
"I was gonna save 'em, but I guess you can have them. Okay, time to find our way out. Obviously if you're in a survival situation you'll be lost and confused, but for the purposes of the show we're just gonna start blindly walking this way because I'm pretty sure there's a road over here."
"Groovy, man. Can you tell by the shadows or the moss growing on the trees or something?"
"No, remember the cast meeting?"
"Ixnay on the oductionpray eetingmay."
"Oh, right. Sorry. Super Secret Army Training. And moss."
"Now using this power-regulated LED light we'll have maximum output and runtime and the only concern we're likely to have is replacing the single AA battery from time to time. It's sealed with O-rings and waterproof to one meter for up to 30 minutes, so even if we stumble into the river we should be okay."
"Time for one of my patented 'Brody's Bible for Building Survival' tips: obviously we'll use this light to navigate the wilderness. Now you, as an untrained civilian whose only survival experience consists of sitting on your ass eating Fritos while watching people run around in the woods, your best bet will be to clip this carabiner to your belt loop, turn the light on, then lay down and die. Your only hope is that the light will make your corpse easy to find for search and rescue workers."
Tune in next week when the dudes are dropped into truly hospitable territory:
"Sir, I'm sorry sir I must insist you at least wear sandals or something!"